I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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