phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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