what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize