I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
