dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
