I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
