Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
