I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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