You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
