she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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