Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
