Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
