she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
