Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I need to calm my uterus...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
