sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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