Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize