upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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