White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
