And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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