Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
