I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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