Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
