TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
