mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
