Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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