totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm too high and old for this...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
