I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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