I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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