dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
