guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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