dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
