College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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