Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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