she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
