I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
