Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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