My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
