he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
