You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
