My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize