I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
