Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
