I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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