You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
