I skipped work to stalk him.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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