I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
