How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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