My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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