For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
