I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
