Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
