We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
