I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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