I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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