Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize