my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
