He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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