you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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