In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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